Not Good Eating
by Bloodlustful
Summary: Post Simba's Pride, Zira has survived, righted her wrongs and become a Pridelander, but her past has not been forgotten, especially by Timon and Pumbaa. So they dish out a little payback. WARNING: EXTREMELY DISGUSTING! DO NOT READ IF EASILY GROSSED OUT!


It's been a while since I wrote a fanfic on this site, so I thought I'd make a unique and unexpected one of the gross-out humor sort. Zira's finally gone straight and become a Pridelander, but does this mean her problems are over? NO! Why? Because her redemption does not mean her misdeeds are forgotten, and Timon and Pumbaa intend to show her that by getting a little hilarious, though not harmful or severe, revenge on their former foe. How do they intend to do that to the ex-Outlander? Read and find out.

THINGS TO NOTE:

This story takes place six weeks after "The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride".

I did this both because I like Zira more than Scar, and because I'm in a really crazy, revolting mood right now.

DO NOT read this story if you are easily nauseated or squeamish.

I own none of the characters. They all belong to the Lion King franchise.

Not Good Eating

It was interesting, really. Zira, formerly a top enemy of Simba who wanted nothing better than to see him dead, and was almost killed in a river in the end, had not only survived and gotten out of that river before drowning, she'd also had her eyes opened. See, losing her followers, her daughter, Vitani, being the first one, and knowing all she'd done and all it caused, even as she believed she was in the right, had opened her eyes considerably. She had thought long and hard and decided to clean up her act, whether she'd be forgiven and welcomed by the Pridelanders for it or not, but she would start fresh, and if she was rejected if she tried to rejoin her children, former followers and the other Pridelanders?

"Well," she thought to herself with a slight bit of glumness, knowing how horrible she had been without even realizing it at all during the time she was so insane and hellbent, "better to have tried and failed than to have not tried at all." Amazingly enough, after many days, deeds, events and of course sequences of hiding from sight from anyone, but especially the Pridelanders, she had essentially righted her wrongs. And though she knew, despite joining the Pridelands being all that was left by now, it was possible she would not be allowed to, she, to her surprise, was not only welcomed after explaining herself once she showed up at the foot of Pride Rock, but the reason she was even allowed to explain herself was because Kovu had, to her astonishment, known of her redemption crusade, thanks to some birds seeing Zira and telling him when he was around, and simply kept his mouth shut about it until he knew she'd come, so he could let everyone know.

After a whole lot of compromising and negotiation, Zira was allowed to join the Pridelands and her children were happy to have their mother back, though Simba warned her she would be kept a close eye on for a while, just in case. Zira rolled her own eyes and accepted it, realizing she had brought this fucking crap on herself. It wouldn't be forever, anyway, and right now, she was just glad to have righted her wrongs and started fresh, not to mention reunited with her family and ex-followers who were glad she had changed, especially given how repulsed they were when she threatened to kill Vitani back when she was evil. It was good to have a new, better Zira here now and it seemed like it was impossible anything bad could really happen at this point.

This wasn't quite as it would go down. Why? Because despite acknowledging Zira's change of heart and new status as a Pridelander, no one ignored her ignoble past life, even if her present life was a far cry from it. Hell, even Zira would not deny how evil she'd once been, even if she was not that way anymore and would not be again. But two in particular who would not overlook her dirty deeds of past times were Timon and Pumbaa. Timon said to Pumbaa: "You know, she might be one of us now, but not only have I not forgotten all the shit she pulled, I think we should perform a little payback on her." "Yeah, I agree." Pumbaa nodded. "Although, what were you thinking, Timon?" "Allow me to explain." the meerkat told his warthog friend. He then whispered something into Pumbaa's ear, and the two, after Pumbaa snickered and Timon reminded him to keep quiet, snuck away out of sight.

After a while, they came back, and noticed this was the perfect time. Zira was saying: "My, I hadn't noticed it, given all that just happened and was set straight to allow me to finally join, but I'm rather hungry." in a quiet tone of voice. "Did you say you were hungry, Zira?" asked Timon. He was riding Pumbaa and holding a bowl shaped piece of wood which contained what looked like very dark brown meat, covered in a juice/blood sauce of sorts. "How about you eat something, then?" Pumbaa smiled. "You've been through a lot and barely had time for any food at all in fixing yourself up in starting fresh, so maybe now would be a good time to put some meat on them bones!" "Pumbaa, she's not fat, but she's not a twig, either." Timon snapped. "Forgive my pig pal." he told Zira, turning to her. "He's not all there in the head, if you know what I mean. Anyway, here."

Pumbaa bent down and placed the bowl in front of Zira, with Zira saying: "Oh, thank you. I thought I would have to hunt on an empty stomach after such hard work over the past God-only-knows how many days. This is appreciated." "No problem. Enjoy!" Timon said, and Pumbaa turned around, walking out of sight with Timon riding him. After they were sure no one could hear or see them, Pumbaa asked: "Why couldn't we have watched her? It would have been such fun!" "Because then, shitwit, we'd be grinning too much and she would get suspicious, then our secret would almost certainly be blown!" Timon replied in exasperation. "Dammit, Pumbaa, try and use your fucking head once in a while!"

Meanwhile, Zira was enjoying her meal very much. She had no idea how Timon and Pumbaa got it, given they weren't hunters, but it was quite delicious. The juices all over it added to its succulent flavor, as did the blood. Zira really couldn't tell which kind of animal such good meat would come from at all, but she ate every bit of it, making it so that the wooden bowl was clean as a whistle and one couldn't possibly tell anything had been in it. After Zira walked away to lick herself, Timon and Pumbaa waited until they could tell her what they meant to tell her and keep a straight face. They also made sure that everyone in Pride Rock was present, so that everyone would know. Know what they were now going to reveal to their victim. "Oh, Zira…" said Timon as he and Pumbaa went over to her in front of everyone else. "We're wondering…how did you like your late lunch?" "Oh, it was quite good. Thank you for it. In fact, I don't think I've ever tasted anything quite like it. So unique, and uniquely good. Very unfamiliar flavor, even if a succulent one, though." Zira replied.

"Well, we suppose you're wondering why it was so unfamiliar and unique." Timon told her. "What kind of mystery meat was it, we bet you're curious to know." Pumbaa added. "I guess I should at least know, since God knows it would be nice to have again." Zira said, standing up and grinning, anticipating hearing the source of such a great new delicacy as she'd had. "Okay, how to put this…" Timon said, ignoring how everyone else looked curious and confused as to what this would lead to along with Pumbaa. "On top of the food itself, we put juices and blood and such, since you lions are carnivores and all. We also put special flavor packed, paper like leaves, which were covered in some of the meat itself to add to its tastiness and put a little bit of roughage in there. Of course, that doesn't cover the meat itself."

"No, it doesn't." Zira replied, "and by the way, what was that part about the flavor packed, paper like leaves being covered in some of the meat itself?" "Ah, funny you should ask that!" Pumbaa told her. "See, they were covered in it 'cause the meat itself came out from the back end of me." "What?" Zira asked, confused and baffled just now. "All right, you clearly don't get it, so I'll make it more simple." Timon told her. "Despite how you've fixed yourself so well, none of us, including you, have forgotten your past wrongdoings, especially me and Pumbaa. As such, we wanted to pay your bitch ass back in a way that wasn't severe or serious, but would still put the message across and be a fitting punishment for you." "What did I eat?" Zira exclaimed, quite startled at hearing this. "Tell me you did not poison me!"

"Of course not." Timon said. "You're a Pridelander now, and we don't go there anyway. But, how can I get this across to you in a comprehensible way…" He thought for a second and in the next instant said: "The leaves didn't just boost the fucking flavor, missy, but they also are good, given how much flavor is in them and what a powerfully good scent they give off, for covering any kind of unpleasant aroma, even the worst and nastiest. And, well…" He looked at her with a cruel grin and devilish eyes, along with Pumbaa. "You ever heard the expression…eat my shit?"

Upon hearing these words, and upon smelling the same nice scent of special flavor leaves coming from the rear end of Pumbaa, Zira took not two seconds to put the pieces together and realized immediately what she had dined on after Timon and Pumbaa gave it to her. It hit everyone else like a fist, too, and everyone but Zira EXPLODED with laughter, some of the lions and lionesses, and certainly Timon and Pumbaa, falling over on their sides or backs as they were helpless with incessant laughter. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!" Zira exploded at Timon and Pumbaa, and she ran off to the grasses near the Pridelands, where she quickly dug a deep hole and put her muzzle over that hole.

Zira could not believe that delicious meat she'd had was actually Pumbaa's excrement! And all that would give such a revolting fact away had been covered up so completely, and she'd been lured into the trap Timon and Pumbaa set for her like a lamb to the slaughter! She couldn't believe she had literally eaten the shit of a warthog and liked it without even knowing what it was! What a way to start off her life as a Pridelander, and what a first Pride Rock meal to have eaten!

It was quite some time before Zira stopped vomiting, and even after she had and ran far away from her disgusting, puke and shit mixture filled hole, everyone up in Pride Rock was still laughing like, well, hyenas. Zira was so embarrassed and angry that she found a place to hide under Pride Rock and stayed there for the rest of the day and through the night, only coming out the next morning when she could be 100% certain she'd found the guts to show herself to her new fellow Pridelanders, whether they mocked, teased and jeered her for the previous day's disgusting events or not, plus knowing she had to catch herself some real food, given she was now hungrier than ever, so she had to get up and hunt for breakfast. Still, she was pretty damn scarred from such an ordeal, and it would not be forgotten anytime soon, especially by her, Timon and Pumbaa.

The End

So, how did you like it? Was it as funny and outrageous and shocking and disgusting as I meant it to be? Rate and review, please, everyone!


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